The ups and down

Dah lama sangat tak menulis. Too many happened in my life. Kematian demi kematian. Paling terkesan bila sahabat geng Achik Stylo passed away in Aug. You will always be missed, Sha! :'-(

Work stress also hit me quite a bit. Had my first anxiety attack. Need to take care of my mental health for the sake of my family...

Had a nice trip to Bangkok but could have been better. Tried my best to make it run smoothly but I guess my best is not good enough. Sigh... I gave up! Next trip, I will do much less as my efforts are really not good enough and better leave it to the experts.

Hati dan perasaan nowadays are very very sensitive lately. What I can do is just pour my heart out by crying real good once or twice, then hopefully I will feel better.

Sigh, sigh, sigh...

~really, really down Xena~
29 Sep 2016

Leadership by example

This weekend I got me all to myself... a rare occacion of my me time overnight!

There is so many things planned but end up me sulking in my bedroom, watching movie after movie. It's actually nice being a couch potato ya?

Well, I was watching Princess Diary, The Royal Engagement. There is this scene where the Queen and Princess were doing the parade on Genovian's Independant Day. I noticed that in that scene, the Prime Minister of Genovia was leading the parade in his feet! In our country the rakyat do the parade and the big shots sits nicely on the stage waving the 'org bawahan'.

Another scene worth noticing was during the wedding of the princess or was it the coronation of the princess, the chior singing the national enthem of Genovia was lead by the Prime Minister.

These 2 scene made me realised that our leaders sucks big time. Leadership by example konon?

A lot can be learned from the telly actually. It's a matter of getting the right message by the right thinking...

~jibberish Xena~
23 July 2016
9:50am

Donald Trump, US Presidency????

Seriously, I could not imagine how US would be if that blonde becomes the President Of The United State.

Bini pun cilok speech current First Lady.

So good luck USA if he is the next President...

~crazy Xena~
22 July 2016
8:15pm

Welcome Back Xena

Oh my! It has been 2 years since I last wrote here. That long????

A friend commented and asked why I stopped blogging, and that she enjoys reading my writtings.  It then hit me, so I went to this site to read back what I have written.  Hmmmm not bad ya and yes, I miss writting...

Therefore, will try my very best to jot down whatever my heart feels here more often.

To my dear friend, thanks for giving me the wake up call.

~2 years older Xena~
21 July 2016
3.23pm

Happy news and sad news... all within 2 days

2 July 2014 - Xena terima berita yg tidak disangka-sangka... rezeki di bulan Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah...
Baru hari sebelum tu Xena bincang dgn suami nak increase duit raya kanak-kanak dan Xena baru je niat nak increase duit raya anak-anak sedara. Allah makbulkan doa Xena dan buka rezeki anak-anakku raya tahun ni.  Gembira tak kepalang...

4 July 2014 - berita kematian jiran di rumah lama which is also area rumah mak mertua.  Sedih sangat because she was such a positive and strong person, battling with leukemia.  Her sister is my schoolmate so I had to visit her and her family at her worst period.
Sedih melihatkan keluarga semua bersedih dgn pemergiannya. Paling ku sedih melihatkan maknya... i could not imagine to be having to bath my child on her death... we always expect anak yg akan mandikan ibunya di hari kematiannya bukan? Thinking about that made sad...
Semoga rohmu tenang si sana kak emma...
Oh ya... lagi berita kematian iaitu Datuk Syarifah Aini...

:'-(

~sad Xena~

Still a lot do do...

Smile more, no matter how bad or upset you feel...

Be happy all the time, or at least show that you are happy....

Cakap lemah lembut, jgn dalam nada tinggi.  Intonasi jaga, kang org ingat kita marah2..

Don't confront, just let it be...

Jaga perasaan org, jgn pikir diri dan hati sendiri je...

You can do it Xena, Allah is with u...

Ordinary vs extraordinary

People tend to play safe and be ordinary, be the norm.  Being extra ordinary takes effort and people are just pemalas! Lagipun they worry of what other might think or say about them.  Biasalahkan, when you like to judge people, you think people are judging you all the time.  Like other people, my life is just a normal life...

I always tell myself that when I get married, I will not be the typical married couple.  I will try not to be the typical wife who nags at everything and control my hubby like those typical wives.  We will not be the typical pair that speaks in a rough manner, suami dok tengking-tengking and cakap kasar dgn bini just because they are the husband, bini dok marah-marah suami and cakap kasar-kasar dgn suami.  I imagine we will be madly in love mcm masa bercinta hingga kita mati.  How I am so wrong and so out of perspective!

Those days when I was a teenager and I see a couple round my age now, walking in town or shopping mall with the husband walking in front and the wife at the back.  I told myself, I wont be like this.  Wrong again Xena! According to the norm, once you have been married, husband and wife dont walk side by side holding hands.  Those who still do it are abnormal and not accepted socially because in the eyes of the society that is totally wrong to do so! We also not allowed to show affection in public, only when you are dating you are allowed to do so.

Dulu I don't believe that people can fall out of love but now I am doubting that... i think people can stop being in love or at least stop showing that they love you until one day they realise it is too late, and that is the time when you die.  Masa tu regret lah kan, macam-macam nak buat kalau boleh putar waktu kan? Hmmmm typical kan? Well, that is the price for being ordinary, for being normal...

Those day I always question, kenapa mesti berubah selepas kahwin, kenapa kemesraan kena bertukar? Questioning it pun dah kena marah because it is out of the norm to question things like this. The answer to my question always lead to the fact that itu memang lumrah alam, the norm.  Memang dah ditetapkan bahawa kemesraan akan pudar (tidak seperti waktu bercinta) selepas berkahwin dan kadar pengurangan kemesraan itu berkadar terus dengan bilangan tahun berkahwin.  Lebih lama lebih kurang kemesraan itu...

I have now accepted it, boleh menerimanya... Memang pedih tapi I have to face the reality.  What I thought before, is just a dream, a dream that will never be true.  It is just a ilusion planted to me via television, movies and love novels.  How I am so stupid to believe that I will be different than the norm...

~low Xena~
28 June 2014 

Bersyukur dengan apa yang ada...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA SEMUA!!!!

Last Sunday pergi open house kawan Sang Cerdik.  Schoolmate cum his ps3 online buddy. Dia pakat nak pergi open house kawannya dari bulan posa lagi.  Kami memang tau kawan Sang Cerdik ni filthy rich.

So kami pun pergi la... sampai je rumahnya, mak aii, our jaw dropped to the floor.  Kata Sang Lembut rumah depa 10 kali rumah kami... hahahaha...

Nak masuk rasa segan sangat, rasa diri ni kecik sangat.  Maklumle tak biasa bergaul dgn org-org kaya ni.  Nak jejak kaki masuk ke rumah pun rasa cam takut je.  Sang Cerdik dah lari dgn kawannya, pergi gameroom and poolroom dia.  Roohi, Sang Lembut and myself helped ourselves with the food.  Food was nothing to shout about, foodnya so-so je.  Ada group main music and singing raya songs, and that was quite entertaining.

I was quite amazed to see the lifestyle or rather the big modern house of a rich malay couple.  I mean, selalunya kita nampak yg kaya raya ni bangsa cina. Or maybe because I dont have many (in fact none!) rich friends.  The mom was quite humble, she was nice to us and warm.  The father I thought was quite ok but Roohii thought he wasnt that warm.

We then found out that the father is a Datuk Seri. In my heart, 'oooooo no wonder'...

After we made a move from there, on the way back home, in the car, I started googling the mom and dad.  She was a successful businesswomen with a few chains of slimming centres.  No wonder she is so slim.  The father is a VIP, owning a company selling luxury cars. No wonder he has about 10 luxury cars at his house! But I also found out that the father just got married to a well known lady with the blessing of the first wife. Before I found out that, deep down inside, I was feeling rather little after seeing such a very wealthy family.  But once I found out that the father has a second wife, all that small little feeling just dissappeared.  Yes she is filthy rich but she has to share his husband with another women!

With that fact, it hit me to be grateful with what I have now and that my husband is loyal to me.  We are more than sufficient with the income we get now.  We have a good home and a good car. My kids are in private school and I get to eat at good restaurant every month.  I get to have a few designer bags and a few nice jewelery. 

Astaghfirullah... i should be grateful not envious with that couple...

Apa gunanya...

Apa gunaya acedemic excellence kalau besar tak hormat org tua...

Apa gunanya banyak duit tapi kedekut nak mampus...

Apa gunanya ilmu tinggi tapi tak campur dengan orang...

Apa gunanya sembahyang tonggang tonggek tapi suka buruk sangka dengan orang...

Apa guna tarbiah kat org, nasihat sini sana tapi bini sendiri pun tak menutup aurat...

Apa gunanya pangkat tinggi tapi pandang orang bawah dengan sebelah mata...

Apa gunanya muka lawa tapi kerja rumah satu pun tak reti...

Apa gunanya kawan fb ramai, komen sana sini tapi dengan adik beradik tak rapat...

Apa gunanya...

Ku amat bersyukur...

Today bwk Sang Lembut dan cousinnya gi jalan2 window shopping. Tapi hari ni rasa cam nak amik public transport sebab malas nak drive. As usual me, suka memerhati dan analyse orang.

Sitting near us one mother, she must be a few years older than me, bawak anak dia and her friends.  Similar to me cuma my group is smaller.  Looking at them I see that they are happy and content to what and where they are.  Being me, I observe every little detail from how they talk among themselves, how they dressed, their bags etc.  My heart sank looking at how they are but yet they are happy.  I am so grateful as to what I have now, what I own, the bags I could afford to.  Compared to them, kalau aku tak bersyukur memang tak tahu la nak kata apa....

Ya Allah, aku amat-amat bersyukur dgn kesenangan duniawi yg Kau kurniakan padaku dan keluargaku...

~grateful Xena~

Yeay.. dah bertambah...

Bulan birthday... bertambah my Pandora charms...

A few more wishlist and I am done..

~beaming Xena~
7th April 2013

Exhausted...

It has been quite a week for me... meetings, seminar, accident, backlogs, family, home...

Being away from the office attending meeting and seminar leads to backlogs... also, the normal routine is disrupted because the venue of the meeting is not at the office.  Route are to be planned, schedule to be adjusted... quite a challenge when it comes to making sure the kids get ready for school on time.

Then comes the accident which surprisingly had me not jumping up and down like I used to.  Somehow my emotion level has reduced tremendously.  I was basically emotionless.  No feeling at all! The accident taught me the meaning of trying to be nice is not such a good idea.  The accident taught me to be strong hearted, strong enough to do the right thing even though it is painful to the other person.  The accident taught me the meaning of being mean is sometimes needed.  It made me feel bad though but I do believe I need to learn to be selfish.

Eventhough the matter has been settled, my mind is still not at peace.  I guess it is in the state of adjustment to the newly seeded mind and thoughts.  Or maybe the surpressed emotion has come to its limit and is about to burst any minute...

To add to my low state of soul, my schoolmates, the girls I normally hang around together, who knows me inside out, accepts me as who I am, who trust and truely believe in me, are going for a 'back-to-school' road trip, visiting our old teachers back in Beseri Perlis.  For reasons that I try to understand till today, I'm not able to join.  My heart aches to join them but am not able to, due to reasons only me knows.  I have accepted that my life now is not totally the same and can never be the same as before. But sometimes it can be sad to see that your life can never be the same as before.  It's definitely not a regret but just a bit sad.  Going back to old days can make you feel good as you go back to the good old days. I don't know if that is good or bad.  I always thought it is good but some say it is not good because the bad memories also surface up.  I really don't know now...

What I know now, can't wait for my bonus letter to reach me, can't wait for my refinancing money to come, can't wait to get my dividend from my dad, cause there are so many conforting things I want to get myself... Pandora Charms, Marc Jacob handbag from USA (thank you Rozita in advance!), maybe the robotic vacumn....

Have a great weekend all!

~low Xena~
5th April 2013

Perasmian

Merasmikan apa yg dibelikan dek Roohii, selepas kena 'sound', dia cakap 'dah belikan tak pakai pulak'... sayang nak pakai sebenarnya peh tu charms tak cukup lagi... haaaa nah, kita pakai la hari2 lepas ni...

Tak sabar nak pegi shopping charms ni sebab bulan ni my birthday plus it's the time of the year, bonus month! Tapi kena tunggu surat dari HR dulu tuk determine berapa biji charms nak beli nih... tak sabar, tak sabar, tak sabar...

~Xena~
3 April 2013

Air dicincang takkan putus?

Pepatah melayu berkata 'air dicincang takkan putus'.  Maksudnya ikatan adik-beradik takkan putus walau gaduh macam mana pun.  Iya ke? Masih valid ke?

Dulu-dulu iya la valid sebab tak de freezer. Cuba kalau air tu dibekukan dalam freezer, nak-nak pulak buat beberapa bulan, dah keras kematu, peh tu kita ketuk dengan benda keras atau pun cucuk dengan ice-picker? Paaaang... berkecai... then ais berkecai tu cair... kalau nasib baik, air tu cantum balik, kalau jauh sangat, satu lopak air sana, satu lopak air sini.  Idakle cantum atau bersatu semula kan?

So masih valid ke peribahasa tu????

~philosophical Xena~
6 March 2013
9:02pm

The Puuurrrr-fect Saturday...

It has been a while since the four of us go out from morning till evening on a Saturday... normally either Roohii and me go for breakfast ride (which includes lunch n sometimes tea!), or just lazing at home...

Last Saturday we thought we should do something different than the norm...

Pagi-pagi sudah bangun siap-siap.  First destination, Nasi Lemak Wan Jor Kg Baru... lantak ke dia no rice diet aku, nasi tambah ko! Kenyang sampai petang...

Second destination, Suria KLCC... payah kan bila kita tak de tujuan nak beli apa pergi tempat cam gitu... end up, 2 Pandora! One for me and one for Sang Lembut! Tq Roohii... Tapi just basic bracelet, 2 stoppers and 1 charm, for a beginning... lepas ni start collecting la nampak gayanya... apa-apa pun dalam hati ini ads taman ♥♡♥♡♥

Third destination, Jemari Spa. Sebenarnya Xena dah buat appointment sebelum Roohii buat plans. At first wanted to cancel n reschedule tapi Sang Cerdik ada futsal kat Ampang Sport Planet so Xena tukar time from the usual 10:30am to 1:00pm. Sang Lembut temankan Xena... si Iyka budak Jemari Spa tu memang terror... dia manage to pujuk me tambah mandi susu for Rm49 but xena lagi terror, bargain for foc mandi susu for Sang Lembut... heheheh berjaya! I paid RM50 for 2 mandi susu...

While the gurls kat Spa, the guys had lunch and Roohii sent Sang Cerdik to his futsal's place. Then Roohii shoot to a workshop near Tmn Cempaka Ampang to send the Black Hawk to be inspected. Black Hawk was not behaving lately... jerking je bila at slow speed, 20-30 kmph... tak sabo nak tukar kereta tu, naik menyampah dah bawak... tak pe Xena, sabar, sabar... Streammu akan menunggu...

Lepas habis body treatment, Sang Cerdik tak habis main futsal lagi... so Sang Lembut and I walked to KL Festival City... hehehehe sempat kami tangkap satu pasang kasut each! Like mother like daughter....

Roohii picked us up and we went to visit my mother-in-law, she was not too well...

And that was the Purrrrfect Saturday, 23 February 2013

Xena

Is it worth it?

All the sacrifies, all the tolerating, all the heartache, all the trouble, all the care taking, is it really worthwhile?

People say do good and you feel good. Yes feel good but most of the time not appreciated. Being taken for granted because people know you would stay on no matter what can be frustrating. Maybe when we are gone or dead only we are appreciated.

Is it worthwhile, is it worthwhile? I have yet to see the light but then maybe not in this world...

I can keep it in my heart but I dont know how long this heart will take it. The heart is getting harder and numbner each day... ALAH BISA TEGAL BIASA... agaknya nak kena biasakan la kot...

The saddest part is that you are not able to express how you feel and that we are wrong to feel such a way... my blogs is always about this kan? Masih belum masuk ajar di kepala otak aku nih! Tapi sayanglah kan bila kita ada so called soulmate but you cant talk to that person kan? Nak buat cam ne itu lumrah alam. Allah dah ciptakan makhluk itu seperti itu... nothing i can change about that...

La Tahzan Xena...

Jumaat yang mulia...

Hari ni mengikut calender mayan suppose to be the end of the world... itu cuma ramalan... tp Allah Maha Berkuasa... kalau end, end la... kalau Dia rasa belum masanya, belum la masanya...

Duduk makan sarapan di kedai mamak sambil tunggu makanan dibungkus untuk anak-anak, datang satu kumpulan budak-budak sebaya Sang Bijak.  They were asking among themselves what to have and sambil tu tanya berapa harga nasi lemak, berapa harga roti canai etc. End up ada yg order ais kosong and nasi lemak, ada yg roti canai saja, ada yg teh o ais saja.  Aduh sayu nya hati Xena... anak-anak Xena tak pernah consider harga bila nak makan dan boleh order apa saja mereka nak makan... bila tengok anak-anak yg perlu consider costing untuk sarapan di kedai mamak, rasa sedih sangat...

So, I did the necessary... I hope they had a good breakfast... :)

~bersyukur~
Xena
21.12.2012

Numb...

Adjusting, compromising, tolerating, giving in, accepting, agreeing, swallowing, crying... and along the way my heart has become numb...

No feelings... no beatings... just a lump of a flesh... no soul... no nothing...

My life ahead is just an obligation, a responsibility... for the sake of my children's happiness, for the sake of my other half's happiness and for the sake of my family's happiness... nothing is about me anymore... it about about others, others and others...

~heartless Xena~
Monday
10 Dec 2012
6:35pm

Kedekut vs jimat

Apa beza kedekut dgn jimat? This is my humble opinion lah kan...

Kedekut ni orangnya yang sayang sangat dengan hartanya terutama wang ringgit that dia sanggup hidup serba kekurangan supaya duitnya tidak luak.  Mereka bukan tak de duit, selalunya banyak, tapi tidak mahu menggunakannya untuk diri mereka apatah lagi untuk orang lain. Orang kedekut ni akan sanggup kaut atau menempek kat orang lain, mana boleh kaut atau amik keuntungan atas orang lain.  Mereka ini sanggup dan tebal muka untuk meminta pada orang lain dengaan tujuan mereka tidak perlu keluarkan duit. Selalunya mereka ni jenis berkira. And depa lebih suka kalau orang yg keluarkan duit untuk depa.  Orang kedekut ingat by behaving like that they get to keep their money and they will be rich. 

Orang yang jimat pulak on the other hand is a practical person. Dia cuba cari kos yg paling murah dan berbaloi and mostly their intention is for the benefit of the family.  Unlike kedekut, orang yang jimat tidak hanya pikir dirinya sendiri.  Atau pun dia berjimat untuk menyinpan wangnya untuk tujuan membeli sesuatu untuk dirinya atau orang tersayang.  Orang yg jimat selalunya tidak kedekut untuk belanja sesuatu untuk dirinya atau keluarganya.  Dia mungkin akan jimat or cut cost somewhere in order to channel the money to something else.

This is just my personal opinion je la... jangan la kita jadi org yg kedekut a.k.a bakhil sebab itu perangai yang Allah tak suka....

~philosophical Xena~
20 Nov 2012
8:39pm

Shuh, go away that nasty feeling...

New year's day... Maal Hijrah... permulaan bagi tahun yang baru...

My coming year may seem gloomy as it started in a 'raining' season. Tried to 'shuh' the feeling away but I can't put them away. Hati ini amat terguris tapi I am not allowed to express how I feel. In fact I believe I am not allowed to feel that way. I am wrong to feel like this as I was told.

Only Allah knows how I feel now as no other will understand if I tell then how I feel.  So let it be...

Now i have to find a way to stop these tears as it wont stop flowing... please stop!

Anyway, salam maal hijrah semua, have a good rest day...

~deeply hurt Xena~
1 Muharam
15 November 2012
8:13am